harbarger theory:

love can change us

Wendy and I went to see Maleficent in the theater, believing that it's the kind of movie that is best seen on the BIG screen, not just the big screen that we have in our home.  We were right.  

Of course, after being spoiled by movie prices in the Athens, Ohio area ($4 for all movies ... and FIRST RUN movies too! ... at Movies 10 near Nelsonville!!) we had some sticker shock at the theater prices.  WOW!!  But, that's another blog at another time ... or not.

Let me start with a confession.  I'm not a big Disney fan.  The movies are alright and some are even fun (Jungle Book   - for the music, Aladdin - for Robin Williams as the Genie), but this one was powerful!  Angelina Jolie brought her A game, I think and the Elle Fanning held her own quite well!  The story line was really good, too.

Maybe it's the story lines that bother me about the "Princess" Disney movies.  They are all about damsels in distress that NEED a man/boy to rescue them, or they are willing to give up who they are and what they have so they can have a boyfriend.  That story line really, really bothers me.  I'm all about self-sacrifice, but ... to get a boyfriend?  I don't think so.

But, this was not about getting a boyfriend.  It was about love, ambition, betrayal, anger, revenge, redemption and true love.  Powerful stuff and real-life stuff.  I liked it.  I liked it a lot!! Especially for a Disney movie!

And, here's the crux.  Love can change us.  

SPOILER ALERT!  

At the end, when Aurora, on her sixteenth birthday pricks her finger on the spinning wheel and falls into the sleep (after all, this is the story of Sleeping Beauty), the only thing that can awaken her is "True Love's Kiss."  So, they bring in a boy upon whom she has a crush.  He kisses her.  Nope.  Nothing.  Nada.  Bupkes.  She is still asleep.  So, they (and we) all assume that all is lost and Aurora will sleep forever.

Because Aurora was not afraid of Maleficent like everybody else, she has spent a lot of time with Maleficent in the Moors.  And Maleficent has come to know and actually love Aurora for who she is.  Therefore, Maleficent is taken apart by the effect of her own spell that even she cannot undo.  The one ... the only one ... whom she loves is hopelessly possessed by a powerful spell that leaves her asleep.  

Maleficent is distraught, overcome, beside herself.  She is undone.  So, in the midst of pledging to protect Aurora forever with a fierceness that makes you hope YOU never unwittingly threaten Aurora, Maleficent kisses Aurora with a tearful kiss ... and the spell is broken.

The spell wasn't broken because Aurora needed a boyfriend ... or even a dashing prince.  The spell was broken because someone who was committed to hate and revenge found herself loving someone.  The spell was broken.  But not by a boyfriend ... or a mother ... or a father ... but by a stranger who had come to love this one she hated.  Love changed Maleficent and when she kissed Aurora, she kissed with "True Love's Kiss" and broke the spell.

Now, I realize that the problems in the Middle East and among races and across religious divides are as dense, thorny and impervious as the thorn wall that Maleficent put up to protect the Moors where the Fairies lived.  Nothing seems strong enough or tough enough to take the wall down.  

But, I believe that a long campaign of love can and will defeat hatred and revenge.  There will be casualties.  There always are.  It will not happen quickly.  It never does.  But, do we want to change the world and ... really change it?  We do it with love.  Love can change us.

So, let us wage a lifelong campaign of love in this world.  Love the people you meet (whether they deserve it or not).  Love the people in your household (whether they deserve it or not).  Love yourself (whether you deserve it or not).  Love God (who actually DOES deserve it!).  If you have a choice (and we always do) ... choose love.  ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.

Love changed Maleficent.  Love has changed me.  Love can change the world. 

harbarger theory: love can change us

harbarger theory: 

we all need an anamchara

I read a book a while back and it really touched a nerve within me.  It was The Celtic Way Of Evangelism by Dr. George (Chuck) Hunter.  I have always been fascinated with Celtic art and music and now that I know more of the early missionaries to the Celts, I am even more fascinated!

There's a lot of stuff there from what I call a "Reverse Monastery" where the missionaries to the Celts of Ireland would move into a community (not to a redoubt outside a community), bringing with them useful trades and skills and become a part of that community.  As they did so, they would naturally share their faith and welcome new folks into the community.  In a world where the church seems to want to separate from the "world," I am soooo drawn to the idea of passionate, complete and intentional engagement with a community.

One of the concepts that Dr Hunter lifted up was that of an ANAMCHARA (pronounced ahnahm kahra).  An Anamchara is a spiritual friend.  This is the person who will stand by you, no matter what.  This is the person who will listen to your stuff until the cows come home, change into their jammies and go on to bed.  This is the person who, when you are being whiney and too self-indulgent, will call you on your stuff and get you back in line.  They have your back AND they want you to be the best you can be.  It's a "both/and."  Too often, our friends are "either/or."  They know us, dark sides, light sides, all sides and STILL love us!  They put up with our quirks (they may even like them!), but they aren't shy about calling us out when we are out of line.  

We all need an Anamchara.  We need someone who will help us stay faithful in our marriage, to love our partner even better and more, to help us grow in our faith and to become the people we have always dreamed of becoming.  

I am blessed to have at least 3 Anamcharas in my life.  Marcus Atha, Schuyler Rhodes and Paul Risler are guys who know WAY too much about me and love me anyway.  They have stood by me in my darkest days and laughed with me on my brightest ones.  They are not shy about calling me on my stuff and I am convinced that with one phone call, they would move heaven and earth to help me. And I would happily do the same for them.

We get together as often as we can (with Marcus and Paul with whom I share a state, it's a bit easier). But, we do the best we can through phone, Facebook, email and FaceTime.  We work at it.  We are intentional about it.  We really, really do care about each other.

You need to find an Anamchara for your life.  You need someone (to whom you are not married and preferable to whom you are not related by blood) who will love you in spite of knowing you deeply and will move heaven and earth for you and will call you on your stuff.  You really do need it.

You get an Anamchara by spending lots of time with this person.  You play together.  You eat together.  You pray together.  You work together.  You travel places together.  You spend considerable time together ... AND ... you talk about your stuff together.  You argue.  You debate.  You disagree.  You laugh.  You tease.  You share inside jokes.  You become the best friends you can be.  

If you don't have an Anamchara, you need one.  Make this your JOB NUMBER 1 until you have one.  We are never meant to walk this life alone.  We are supposed to do it "WITH."  Find someone you can walk this world "WITH."

harbarger theory: we all need an anamchara

harbarger theory: just show up

One of the mentors in my life was the inimitable Rev Dr M Steven Games, known to all of us as "Steve."  Steve was a big, lovable, loving, kinda goofy yet really, really deep guy who took a young, extroverted, somewhat cynical Youth Pastor under his wing and taught him patience (still learning that one!) and how to make it in an institutional system like the Church.

He said many things that still rattle around in my brain, like ...

"The Main Thing Is To Keep The Main Thing The Main Thing" ... and 

"You assume that things work the way they are supposed to!" ... and

"You want to get something to eat?" ... and

"The world is run by those who show up."

Steve was the kind of guy who could have organized a way to get 112 people onto a 62 person bus and they'd thank him for it!  He was the kind of guy who would sit with you and listen and talk when he really needed to be somewhere else.  

And the idea that it's important to show up has been a part of my life ever since.  I remember once when I was early in ministry and doing Youth Ministry, a parent of one of my kids had suffered a leaking brain aneurysm.  This was catastrophic and it didn't help a bit that it had been mis-diagnosed at a hospital and he had been sent home.  The aneurysm was a literal time bomb poised to kill or paralyze him at any moment.  Scary stuff!

I was leaving for a week of Middle School Camp the next day and needed to do that last minute stuff (you know what I mean!), but I stopped by the hospital about the time he was scheduled to come out of surgery.  The surgery was still going on and they didn't know WHEN the doc was going to be done.  It was tense.  It was intense (sort of like my Middle School Camp.  Get it?  Intense = In Tents? Sorry.  Never mind)

I had NO IDEA what to do, so I defaulted by having a word of prayer and then sitting down with them and waiting.  We chatted for a bit, then we lapsed into quiet.  So, I started reading old People magazines and waiting.  But, nervously waiting.  After all, I still had stuff to pack, the covers of my journals were STILL at the printers,  and the list went on.  And more than all that, I was a MINISTER!!! ... why was I sitting there like a bump on a log reading old People magazines?  Why didn't I have powerful, meaningful, deep things to say that would cure their pain?  "Loser."  "Jerk."  "Waste."  (that was the gist of my internal monologue)

Then, the Sr Pastor popped in, found out that they were still waiting and chatted for quite a bit, had a word of prayer and ... left.  (HEY! Why didn't I think of that???)

So, I waited with them a bit more and finally the surgeon came out and all had gone well.  He was going to survive and they expected no appreciable damage to him at all!!  Yahoo!!  We rejoiced, prayed words of thanksgiving, gave hugs all around and I left to finish my prep for the week of camp.  

About a month later, a friend of the family in that Waiting Room came to me privately, closed the door and told me how much that family appreciated my quiet, unobtrusive presence.  In fact, the Sr Pastor kind of ticked them off as he prattled on and on and then left.  They loved it that I just sat with them and kept quiet.  

In my own mind, I was saying stuff like, "Yeah, but I didn't do anything or say anything!  I just sat there reading old People magazines and feeling anxious!  That's ridiculous!"

But, as I spent time reflecting on that (probably in my car or shower ... my best thinking spots), I realized that what I DID do was be present.  I showed up.  I was there.  And that was the important thing.  Really ... there was very little to say other than prayer.  How were my words going to relieve their anxiety about a life-threatening condition?  What was there to say?

My presence there (unbeknownst to me!) was mediating the presence of God for them.  I was being a "Little Christ" for them.  CS Lewis (another Mentor for me!) once said in Mere Christianity, 

"Every Christian is to become a little Christ. The whole purpose of becoming a Christian is simply nothing else.”  Maybe we should stop whining about not knowing what to say and so we don't go to someone's side and simply go and sit (and maybe even read old People magazines, but I don't recommend it!).  Maybe we should just show up.

After all, like Steve would say, "The world is run by those who show up!"

harbarger theory: just show up

harbarger theory: 

chaos comes from pain

I have been a camper for 45 years or so.  Over the years, I have learned to be a neat and tidy camper.  I learned that by the bitter experiences of losing things and having them ruined by inclement weather.  Tough ways to learn, but, learn them I did.

So, normally, I put things back where they belong in my pack (that 's why I love packs with pockets!!) and keep things tidy in my tent.  It helps me find stuff when I need them.  Especially after dark!

A week or so ago, I was privileged to help lead River Expedition Camp at our beloved Camp Otterbein.  Part of that trip was a 3 day paddle down the Hocking River (starting at where Clear Creek feeds into the Hocking between Logan and Lancaster and ending at West State Street Fields Boat Access in Athens, for those keeping score at home!).  We primitively camped on gravel and sand bars riverside.  (Now THOSE are great names for Paddler's Watering Holes, if I ever heard any!  As in, "Hey, let's meet later at The Gravel Bar for a Sarsparilla!" or something like that!)

The first night of camping on the river (of course came after the first day of paddling on the river) came on the heels of pretty grueling month of packing, moving out, moving in and unpacking.  The arthritis in my lower back was more than a little angry and it had just ... had ... enough ... thank you very much!!  I was in a whole bunch of pain!  Did I mention that it really, really hurt?  

I had, of course, been keeping up with my Alleve regimen and then augmenting that with a Tylenol Arthritis Strength regimen.  And ... I was STILL in a whole bunch of pain!  So, I rested for a while after dinner, got up for evening devotions and then went to bed early, waking up in the middle of the night to take more Tylenol.

The next morning, my stuff was a mess and it took forever to pack it all up.  I just chalked it up to not camping enough recently.

My back was much better the second day!  I slowed down on my Tylenol consumption (my liver was happy about that!) and still I didn't have much pain.

On the third morning, I was a little startled to find that my stuff was put away, neat and tidy.  I was back to my old ways.  I was a competent camper again.  Hmmm.  It caused me to think.

As I paddled along in my usual position at the back of the pack (what I call "Sweep"), I was thinking about this turn of events.  And it occurred to me. 

Chaos comes out of Pain.  Hmmm ...

Then I thought about the abuse of alcohol and drugs.  Chaos out of pain.

Then I thought about the abuse of children.  Chaos out of pain.

Then I thought about the domestic abuse.  Chaos out of pain.

Then I thought about gambling addiction.  Chaos out of pain.

Then I thought about the use of food as a crutch.  Chaos out of pain.

Then I though about kids (and adults) who act out of anger.  Chaos out of pain.

Then I thought, "I think I have something here!"  Can much of the ills of our culture come from pain.  Maybe so.  Maybe we don't cope well with pain.  Maybe we never, ever did.  Maybe ... we have always reacted to pain.

After all ...

Didn't Cain kill Abel because of pain?  

Didn't the Trojan War begin out of pain?  

Didn't the Civil War begin out of pain?

Didn't World War I (the War to end all wars) begin out of pain?

Don't I over-eat out of pain (and because I really, really like good food)?

My friends, it seems to me that it behooves us to be healers.  If my treatise is correct and "Chaos comes out of pain," then the way to break that struggle is to help folks heal and find solace.  We are to be agents of redemption; salve for the soul; catalysts for healing deep and inner wounds.  

We do that by praying for and with each other.  

We do that by listening to each other (not necessarily speaking or doing anything.      

          Sometimes it's enough to simply listen).

We do that by helping people have the courage to set a wrong right.  

We do that be stepping into the pain of other people and giving them the courage (maybe 

          simply doing it WITH them) to fix what's broken inside.

Let us be healers my friends.  Let's make this JOB #1!  

harbarger theory:

chaos comes out of pain

harbarger theory: sometimes there gets to be so many plates spinning that some start to fall.

I like to be competent.  I like to make people happy.  I like to say "Yes."  I like to be busy and successful.  I like changing the world for people.  I like that stuff.  I really do.

But, sometimes I say "Yes" to too many things and then I start dropping plates.  And, because the way my life is arranged, I end up disappointing people that I care deeply about.  I feel embarassed, horrible and like a failure.  This ends up freezing me up and it all gets worse.

Finally, I push my way through and get things done, but not as well as if they had been done right the first time I feel awful and it lingers and lingers for years.  It's amazing how I can so easily pull out my mistakes from years and years ago and flog myself bloody.  The people whom I have let down may even give me a pass and forgive me, but I have such a hard time letting myself off the hook.

What is even worse, is that I counsel people who do the same thing and I can help them move on.  But I don't let myself move on.

The Apostle Paul talks about this in the end of Romans 7 where he talks about the "wretched man" that he feels he is.  He doesn't do what he wants to do and he does what he doesn't want to do.  Maybe you don't have this problem, but ol' Paul and I do.  We want to bring change and redemption to a hurting and damaged world.  We want to be carriers of light into the darkness.  We want to do so many good things.  But, we mess up.  We fail.  We let people down.

Just when I start to feel good about what's going on in my life, I mess up again.  Sure, I'm not going to jail, nor have I had a moral failure.  But, still ... I have let people down that I care about.  These are the things that haunt my heart.  These are the failures that I flog myself with.

Pray for me.  Pray that I'll move out of some of my commitments in a way that allows them to flourish, so that I can actually keep all my plates spinning without having some drop and shatter on the floor.

harbarger theory: sometimes there gets to be so many plates spinning that some start to fall.

A Good Dad Had A Great Pop

harbarger theory: Dad are important

I may be living in denial, but I think I'm a pretty good dad. I sure hope so, because I like being a dad more than anything else in life. Heck, I like being a dad even more than ice cream! Even more than GREAT ice cream!!! That's. A. LOT!!!

Not that I have blindly copied his way of parenting ... Not that I haven't made mistakes ... Not that I think he DIDN'T make mistakes ... Not that anybody is perfect ...

But ... a LARGE reason why I have any success as a dad is because of Pop. He was a strong man who was tender, true and tough. He was tough enough to do the right thing. He was true enough for us to depend upon him, no matter what. He was tender enough to be loving and affectionate to Mom, to me, to my family.

Pop was a REAL MAN.

-- He loved me unquestioningly and without reserve. Because of that, I now have an understanding of God's unconditional love.

-- He led naturally. Because of that, I have learned what it means to lead a church.

-- He was faithful to all that was important. To Mom. To us. To his work. To his church. To his community. To God. Because of that, I have learned what fidelity means.

-- He laughed easily. He loved well. He enjoyed life. Because of that, I know how to live a good life.

It's Father's Day. Pop's been gone now a bit more than 7 months and I ache most days because of the grief. My heart is breaking as I write this. But, I am the man that I am and the dad that I am in large part because of the man he was and the dad that he was. I am my father's son and I am ... oh, so proud of being so.

I am thankful that I had a great father. Pop, I miss you and I love you. I live everyday living up to your standards.

Happy Father's Day!

Joel

A Page Has Turned!

harbarger theory: you raise your kids to have wings and darned if they won't use `em!

Yesterday and this morning, we moved almost all of Molly's (our daughter) stuff to the garage in order to stage it for loading a U-Haul truck to take her and (almost) all of her wordly goods to Portland, OR. Then, about 10:30am, she drove off to meet up with some friends in Columbia, MO, where she went to college (maybe for the last time is a very long time).

This makes me sad. As I reflected upon that, it occurred to me that, as long as her stuff was crammed into "her" room (although she has never "lived" here, but only stayed here), there was this illusion of us having a live-in daughter. But, not now. She's gone. I miss her, already.

It also brings up the pain of our son being gone (probably forever) since he moved to California when he was just out of High School and probably won't be moving back, either. I've always missed him, but it was not as poignant since we still had the potential of Molly. He's gone. I've missed him for years.

I guess we are OFFICIALLY empty-nesters. I'd have to say that I don't like it. Not one little bit. I love being a dad. I love interacting with my kids regularly. Sure, I can talk to them anytime with cell phones and texting and e-mail and the interwebz, but ... I can't sit in the living room and drink a cup of morning tea or coffee with them and talk face-to-face. And that's my fave way to talk with anybody.

So ... a page has completely turned. Our kids are both gone and, unless something unexpected happens, they will not be moving back in. I miss it already.

Sure, it can be exciting for Wendy and me to make this next transition, but for right now, I'm just grieving my loss.

I always wanted my kids to be strong, independent, hard-working and happy. They are certainly all of the above. It just stinks that they are doing that two or three thousand miles away from me. I miss hugging my babies.

Nate ... I love you & I miss you!

Molly ... I love you & I miss you!

Pops

harbarger theory: you raise your kids to have wings

and darned if they won't use `em!