harbarger theory: Persistence is a good thing

A while back, our son Nate and I started reading the Spenser series of books by Robert B Parker.  Spenser (no first name ever divulged!) is a wise-cracking, well-read, tough guy Private Detective from Boston whose longtime "main squeeze" is Susan, a Cambridge-based Psychologist and best friend is a guy who does pretty sketchy and violent things named "Hawk" and whose dog (who he shares custody with Susan) is a German Short-Hair Pointer named "Pearl" (both of them).  The pic above is a vintage shot from the TV show "Spenser For Hire" with Robert Ulrich as Spenser and Avery Brooks as Hawk.  Good casting!!

I'm not sure when and if Nate quit reading the series, but I read the whole cycle from first book to last book (38 in all, plus a Christmas book published posthumously).  I persisted!  It was fun reading a series from germination to termination.  To watch the progression of the characters, the addition, subtraction and recalling of ancillary characters and just to enjoy the well-known and much-hoped-for snappy dialogue among the characters was a joy!

Parker (the author) has a knack for writing wry, snappy dialogue and, indeed, it is the dialogue and relative brief lengths of the books that make these into easily digestible nuggets of literature.  A lot of fun with good dialogue, characters and action.  Thoroughly enjoyable.

However, as I have pondered finishing this long cycle of books, I have realized a few things. 

 First, I am blessed to live in an age where I can simply call up books on my Nook and read them in whatever sequence I want to!  After all, I have probably read all the Alex Cross detective novels by James Patterson, but in a willy-nilly order because I picked them up when I found them, not in a systemized way.  It's fun to read the books in sequence.  I liked it!

Second, I pondered what makes a man tough.  While Spenser never shies away from a fight and almost always wins the fight, he is, at the same time, sentimental, fashion-conscious, a great cook and a tender romantic.  Maybe, indeed, it's his fully developed psyche that makes him a tough guy.  Maybe BECAUSE he's comfortable just being himself ... and that includes sentimentality, fashion consciousness, culinary prowess and romanticism ... that he is a tough guy.  And winning fist fights is a good bonus.  I think so.  I have often posited that a REAL man is Tough, Tender and True.  A REAL man is a man who can take it, no matter what happens.  A REAL man is tender with those who need tenderness.  A REAL man is true to those to whom he has made promises.  

Third, I have considered the meaning of long-term love and honest friendships.  Spenser and Susan tried living together and realized that it would not work.  They considered children and decided it was not a good thing with their lives (especially his).  They were considering marriage when Mr Parker passed away (no resolution there!).  But, except for a notable wandering off the farm experience for both of them, they were faithful to each other (even if Spenser got an offer in nearly every book!).  And, it was that relationship, the honesty, vulnerability and transparency that offers us a clear example of what a great marriage could be.  (I know, I know ... it's a novel and therefore easy to have a great relationship ... but, still ...)  

Also, Spenser's relationship with Hawk (as well as Vinnie, Tedy Sapp, Chollo, Bernard J Fortunato and even Bobby Horse) was quirky and deep.  All Spenser had to do is ask and these hardened, violent, criminally inclined men would drop what they were doing and help.  And Spenser would do the same.  I don't know how other folks define great friendships, but one of my barometers is that a great friend is someone who takes your calls and will help you (or you help them) at a moment's notice ... even if it costs them something.  Good friends do that for each other.

As we move through life, it seems to me that we need to cultivate the kind of loving relationships that allow us to be honest, vulnerable and transparent with each and other and be rewarded with a deeper and more complex and nuanced relationship.  It seems to me that we need to have friends upon whom we can count ... no matter what happens.  They know us well and like us in spite of it.  And they will go to the mat for us ... with us ... and we for and with them.  And most of all, we need to be so comfortable with ourselves that we can be tough, tender and true each and everyday.  We need to be that person as our default, not as our aspiration!

Thanks Spenser!  Thanks to you, Robert B Parker!  I've enjoyed the ride!

harbarger theory: persistence is a good thing

     harbarger theory: it really is all about family

I'm (well) old enough to remember the TV show "All In The Family," where Carroll O'Connor played a family patriarch, Archie Bunker, who was racist, misogynistic and all prejudices rolled into one. Jean Stapleton played Edith Bunker, his seemingly ditzy, but oh-so-wise wife, with Sally Struthers playing Gloria, their grown hippie daughter who was married to fellow hippie, Michael Stivek, played by Rob Reiner.  This was to be a send-up of the whole generational conflict going on in the USA during the Viet Nam War.  By the way, my paternal grandfather, Papa (pronounced Pawpaw, for those keeping score at home), thought Archie was getting it about right and didn't catch on that this was deep sarcasm by a bunch of what he would have called "pinko lefties!"

In the midst of all the shenanigans that went on, one of the lessons that was clear was that the Bunker/Stivek families really, really did love each other and, in the end, it was "All About Family."

I, of course, as a father and husband have made more than my share of mistakes (haven't we all ... well, maybe not Wendy!), but I stand (sit?) here today inordinately proud of my family.  Wendy and I have had 35 happily married years.  Nate has had his share of self-imposed struggles, but is weathering them well and is on a great path in life.  Molly has pushed through some storms, both with personal relationships as well as work-related ones, and is having a great life right now.  What a joy!

In the end, I wanted to raise strong, tough, tender, caring, independent, hard-working and fun-loving kids.  It worked.  they are all of the above!  Maybe Wendy and I had a hand in it (undoubtedly mostly Wendy).  Maybe they did a lot of it themselves.  But, in the end, they are amazing and when we get together, we just have the time of our lives!!

In a few days, we all get to be together and it will be fun, with games and food or laughter and teasing and sightseeing and all.  But, most of all, it will be about us hanging out together enjoying looking into each other's eyes, hearing each other's ideas and opinions and laughing.  There will be much laughing!!

We would clearly do anything for each other.  We love each other fiercely.  We ache to be together more, but miles are in the way.  But ... for a time that will be way too short ... we will be together and that will be good.

I am so sad when I hear of families that really don't like to be together.  But, it does serve to remind me of how truly blessed I am.  We love to be together and when we are, it's like heaven on earth.

I love the woman who married me all those years ago, when I was half the man I am today!  I love my kids with all my heart.  I love my family and I am blessed beyond measure!

harbarger theory: it really is all about family

A Page Has Turned!

harbarger theory: you raise your kids to have wings and darned if they won't use `em!

Yesterday and this morning, we moved almost all of Molly's (our daughter) stuff to the garage in order to stage it for loading a U-Haul truck to take her and (almost) all of her wordly goods to Portland, OR. Then, about 10:30am, she drove off to meet up with some friends in Columbia, MO, where she went to college (maybe for the last time is a very long time).

This makes me sad. As I reflected upon that, it occurred to me that, as long as her stuff was crammed into "her" room (although she has never "lived" here, but only stayed here), there was this illusion of us having a live-in daughter. But, not now. She's gone. I miss her, already.

It also brings up the pain of our son being gone (probably forever) since he moved to California when he was just out of High School and probably won't be moving back, either. I've always missed him, but it was not as poignant since we still had the potential of Molly. He's gone. I've missed him for years.

I guess we are OFFICIALLY empty-nesters. I'd have to say that I don't like it. Not one little bit. I love being a dad. I love interacting with my kids regularly. Sure, I can talk to them anytime with cell phones and texting and e-mail and the interwebz, but ... I can't sit in the living room and drink a cup of morning tea or coffee with them and talk face-to-face. And that's my fave way to talk with anybody.

So ... a page has completely turned. Our kids are both gone and, unless something unexpected happens, they will not be moving back in. I miss it already.

Sure, it can be exciting for Wendy and me to make this next transition, but for right now, I'm just grieving my loss.

I always wanted my kids to be strong, independent, hard-working and happy. They are certainly all of the above. It just stinks that they are doing that two or three thousand miles away from me. I miss hugging my babies.

Nate ... I love you & I miss you!

Molly ... I love you & I miss you!

Pops

harbarger theory: you raise your kids to have wings

and darned if they won't use `em!

It's a small world after all!!!

harbarger theory: it's a small world, but i wouldn't want to paint it!

Like many of you, I woke up this morning to hear about the devastating earthquake in Japan, which unleashed a tsunami that tried to devour that island nation and Sumatra and sent it hurtling across the globe through Hawaii to the West Coast of the USA. I was transfixed by it and have been listening to radio reports all day. Amazing.

At first, I listened and then was relieved that Sacramento (where my "beloved son in whom I am well pleased" lives along with my brothers and their families) was not going to be threatened. WHEW!!!!

But, then I sat up in horror!! I knew people all along that tsunami's path!!

My first appointment as an ordained pastor was at First UMC in Middletown, OH. Among a few other duties, I was the Youth Guy. And, as is my wont, I became very close to those kids. One family hosted a Japanese exchange student and, as time went on, Paul ended up marrying her. Paul was one of my very, very faithful kids in the group and, indeed went on to seminary and ended up as a sorta kinda missionary in Japan. He and Mari and their boys are living and serving in Tokyo currently. But he used to serve in Sendai. The epicenter of the earthquake. My heart was in my throat.

After a number of years, I moved to First UMC in Athens, OH where, among some other duties, I was the Youth Guy and the Campus Minister. One of the college students at the Wesley Student Center was Shannon. Shannon was raised in Hawaii and after she got married, she and her hubby moved back to Hawaii in Aiea. Now, my hawaiian geography is lousy and I don't know if Aiea is on the side of the island that the tsunami was going to hit, but, even if it's not, there has to be fallout where she lives. Again, my heart was in my throat.

Before I came back to Ohio, I had become best friends (dare I say brother?) with Schuyler while we were both in seminary at Drew Univ Theological School. After a time of serving in NYC, he relocated to the Left Coast and now serves Temple UMC in San Francisco. SF is one of the few places in Cali that does NOT have cliffs for a coastline.

I've been on pins and needles all day. I noticed Schuyler was on Facebook, so I called him from my cell to his. He's OK. They're OK. WHEW!!!!

I got a Facebook post from one of the folks I did youth ministry with back in Middletown that Paul, Mari and the family are OK in Japan. WHEW!!!!

I just got a Facebook post from Shannon that she and her family are OK in Hawaii. WHEW!!!!

This morning, I am glad that I got to pray fervently for these people who are a part of me and are part of my family. I am glad they are OK. And I thank God for Facebook, cell phones and modern communication technology because it allowed me the grace to hear of and from these beloved people so easily and quickly.

Technology is not ALWAYS of the devil!! = ) Sometimes, it is a gift from God!!!

I further reflected that I am a blessed man because I know and love people who live all over the globe. Although times like these can fray one's nerves, it's because of the shared love and history that makes the moments frantic. This world is so vast and varied, yet sometimes it seems like a small marble floating in the universe and we are just one big village. To think that one tsunami could threaten 3 families that I know and love amazes me. I thank God for far-flung relationships! I thank God they are safe!! And I thank God knowing that, because these people are where they are and they are WHO they are, they will help other people who have been affected by this terrible event.

But, mostly, I just thank God!!

harbarger theory: it's a small world, but i wouldn't want to paint it!

26 years and a day

harbarger theory: sons are a gift of grace

Twenty six years ago yesterday, I called my dear friend, Schuyler, and told him, "I now know what miracles are!" Our son ... our first-born child ... had been born and immediately wrapped me around his teeny-tiny wittle finger. I was instantaneously smitten and still am.

I grew up in a sports-loving family. My brothers loved to play and watch sports and still do. My dad was a star athlete and played and watched sports until his death. My mom has always been an avid sports fan and has done more than anyone's share of bleacher sitting over the years as she NEVER missed one of our games. But, not me. I played sports in elementary school because, that's what Harbargers did. I played football until the beginning of my Junior year in High School and I realized that, actually, I was terrible and would NEVER start. Unlike my family, I didn't and don't watch sports on TV. While I was still in my teens, my mom said, "I hope you have a kid who loves sports!"

So ... Nate enters the picture. I think his first word was "BALL!" Certainly in elementary school and maybe before he was old enough for school, he figured out how to tune in SportsCenter and would eat his breakfast watching it. No cartoons for this boy. He was, and is, fascinated (dare I say obsessed?) with sports.

I watched more sports in his first six years of life than I had ever watched in my lifetime up to that point. Cumulatively. We would sit and watch games. Sometimes, I'd have a book and he'd watch. But, we'd do it together. My favorite team has ALWAYS been whatever team my kids were on. I wore the colors. I watched every single game I could that they played in. I watched soccer, basketball, baseball, football, summer basketball, whatever. I learned to keep stats for baseball and basketball. I took him to pro games. I took him to college games. We watched lots of sports.

And it was worth it. It was worth it because I was with him doing what he wanted. I was participating in the things he loved. I've never regretted any of it. Not even the baseball games where I froze or the football games where I sat in the driving rain. Not one of them. I loved being a part of his life and sports were (and are) his life.

Today, he is the player/manager for a men's baseball team (Sacramento Braves ... and yes, I have a Braves hat!) and is an Assistant Coach for the Varsity Baseball team for Rio Americano High School (yes, I have a Rio Sweatshirt). It's still wall-to-wall sports for the boy.

I'm proud of him. He works hard and does well and does good at his work. He plays hard with his beloved Braves. He takes good care of his boys on his Rio team and teaches them baseball and life. He's a good friend to his buddies. He's a good boss. He's a good son. He's a good grandson. He is the man I hoped he would be.

Happy belated birthday, Nate. I love you.

(by the way, this is a pic of Nate and me whitewater rafting on the famous New River. Woo Hoo! Paddles UP!!)

harbarger theory: sons are a gift of grace

harbarger theory:be careful what you pray for

harbarger theory: be careful what you pray for ...

We always prayed that our kids would be people who are strong, independent and world-changers. We raised them to have wings.

Dang it ... sometimes you get what you pray for!!!

Our son is doing wonderful things at his work and with the men and boys that he coaches. He works hard and plays hard ... and OH, SO independent. He's a good friend. He's a role model. He's the kind of guy that other guys want to be. As for the wings ... he lives in California. We live in Ohio. Some strong wings there, eh??

Our daughter is doing exciting things in her life as well. She is now in her last year (or so!) in college earning her baccalaureate degree in two majors. She spent a semester in Japan and succeeded in so many ways. For a pale, sorta redheaded appalachian girl, she's become kinda japanese, now!! In a month or so, she'll be heading to Beijing as a reporter for a couple weeks!!! She and a friend started Winter Camp at Camp Otterbein. She has friends ... I mean REAL friends with people all over the place. As for wings ... she goes to school in Missouri, but, I think she'll be a citizen of the world. Talking about strong wings!!

God answers prayers. Always. And sometimes, God says, "OK ... you asked for it!!", and we get it. We got it.

And we wouldn't have it any other way.

Well ... sometimes we would, but it's our fault!!! We asked for it, didn't we?

harbarger theory: be careful what you pray for ...