harbarger theory: Persistence is a good thing

A while back, our son Nate and I started reading the Spenser series of books by Robert B Parker.  Spenser (no first name ever divulged!) is a wise-cracking, well-read, tough guy Private Detective from Boston whose longtime "main squeeze" is Susan, a Cambridge-based Psychologist and best friend is a guy who does pretty sketchy and violent things named "Hawk" and whose dog (who he shares custody with Susan) is a German Short-Hair Pointer named "Pearl" (both of them).  The pic above is a vintage shot from the TV show "Spenser For Hire" with Robert Ulrich as Spenser and Avery Brooks as Hawk.  Good casting!!

I'm not sure when and if Nate quit reading the series, but I read the whole cycle from first book to last book (38 in all, plus a Christmas book published posthumously).  I persisted!  It was fun reading a series from germination to termination.  To watch the progression of the characters, the addition, subtraction and recalling of ancillary characters and just to enjoy the well-known and much-hoped-for snappy dialogue among the characters was a joy!

Parker (the author) has a knack for writing wry, snappy dialogue and, indeed, it is the dialogue and relative brief lengths of the books that make these into easily digestible nuggets of literature.  A lot of fun with good dialogue, characters and action.  Thoroughly enjoyable.

However, as I have pondered finishing this long cycle of books, I have realized a few things. 

 First, I am blessed to live in an age where I can simply call up books on my Nook and read them in whatever sequence I want to!  After all, I have probably read all the Alex Cross detective novels by James Patterson, but in a willy-nilly order because I picked them up when I found them, not in a systemized way.  It's fun to read the books in sequence.  I liked it!

Second, I pondered what makes a man tough.  While Spenser never shies away from a fight and almost always wins the fight, he is, at the same time, sentimental, fashion-conscious, a great cook and a tender romantic.  Maybe, indeed, it's his fully developed psyche that makes him a tough guy.  Maybe BECAUSE he's comfortable just being himself ... and that includes sentimentality, fashion consciousness, culinary prowess and romanticism ... that he is a tough guy.  And winning fist fights is a good bonus.  I think so.  I have often posited that a REAL man is Tough, Tender and True.  A REAL man is a man who can take it, no matter what happens.  A REAL man is tender with those who need tenderness.  A REAL man is true to those to whom he has made promises.  

Third, I have considered the meaning of long-term love and honest friendships.  Spenser and Susan tried living together and realized that it would not work.  They considered children and decided it was not a good thing with their lives (especially his).  They were considering marriage when Mr Parker passed away (no resolution there!).  But, except for a notable wandering off the farm experience for both of them, they were faithful to each other (even if Spenser got an offer in nearly every book!).  And, it was that relationship, the honesty, vulnerability and transparency that offers us a clear example of what a great marriage could be.  (I know, I know ... it's a novel and therefore easy to have a great relationship ... but, still ...)  

Also, Spenser's relationship with Hawk (as well as Vinnie, Tedy Sapp, Chollo, Bernard J Fortunato and even Bobby Horse) was quirky and deep.  All Spenser had to do is ask and these hardened, violent, criminally inclined men would drop what they were doing and help.  And Spenser would do the same.  I don't know how other folks define great friendships, but one of my barometers is that a great friend is someone who takes your calls and will help you (or you help them) at a moment's notice ... even if it costs them something.  Good friends do that for each other.

As we move through life, it seems to me that we need to cultivate the kind of loving relationships that allow us to be honest, vulnerable and transparent with each and other and be rewarded with a deeper and more complex and nuanced relationship.  It seems to me that we need to have friends upon whom we can count ... no matter what happens.  They know us well and like us in spite of it.  And they will go to the mat for us ... with us ... and we for and with them.  And most of all, we need to be so comfortable with ourselves that we can be tough, tender and true each and everyday.  We need to be that person as our default, not as our aspiration!

Thanks Spenser!  Thanks to you, Robert B Parker!  I've enjoyed the ride!

harbarger theory: persistence is a good thing

The T's

harbarger theory: REAL men are tough, tender and true!

Much has been said and written about what it means to be a real man. Some have suggested that REAL men are the sensitive, cry-at-anything kind of a guy. Others suggest that a REAL man is like cheap toilet paper. You know, he's rough, he's tough and doesn't take crap off anybody! Still others suggest that a REAL man is the kind of guy you can depend upon for anything.

I suggest (not so humbly, I might add) that a REAL man is Tough, Tender and True!

A real man is TOUGH, meaning that he is tough enough to take the slings and arrows for the people he loves. He's tough enough to do what needs to be done and tough enough to do without. A REAL man is the guy who willingly and cheerfully sets his stuff aside so the people he loves can have what they need and want. He's tough enough to be selfless.

A real man is TENDER, meaning that he opens himself up to the feelings and needs of those around him. He listens when they need him. He holds them when they need comforting. He steps into their pain when they are hurting and feeling all alone. A REAL man is the guy who is brave enough to feel the pain of those around him and enter into it. A REAL man doesn't have to be violent or pain-inflicting. He is secure enough to be tender and loving in a dark and violent world.

A real man is TRUE, meaning that he stands with his folks. He is faithful. He fulfills his obligations. He's honest. He's the go-to guy for the people in his life. The people in his life can depend upon him to be there for them ... no matter what. A REAL man is the guy that people call when their life is caving in because they know that he'll be there for them.

A real man is not always the most "successful," because his priorities are not on himself and what society tells him is important. But a real man is the guy that others come to when times get tough. A real man is the guy that women turn to, children adore and that men come to when they are having a hard time. He may not be the most "tool-handy," the most affluent, the coolest or they guy wet dreams are made of. But, he's the guy that is the friend people come to in a pinch, the one women really want to be in a relationship with, the one children want to have as their daddy.

A real man is tough enough to be tender ... tender enough to be true ... true enough to be tough.

harbarger theory: REAL men are tough, tender and true