harbarger theory: Persistence is a good thing

A while back, our son Nate and I started reading the Spenser series of books by Robert B Parker.  Spenser (no first name ever divulged!) is a wise-cracking, well-read, tough guy Private Detective from Boston whose longtime "main squeeze" is Susan, a Cambridge-based Psychologist and best friend is a guy who does pretty sketchy and violent things named "Hawk" and whose dog (who he shares custody with Susan) is a German Short-Hair Pointer named "Pearl" (both of them).  The pic above is a vintage shot from the TV show "Spenser For Hire" with Robert Ulrich as Spenser and Avery Brooks as Hawk.  Good casting!!

I'm not sure when and if Nate quit reading the series, but I read the whole cycle from first book to last book (38 in all, plus a Christmas book published posthumously).  I persisted!  It was fun reading a series from germination to termination.  To watch the progression of the characters, the addition, subtraction and recalling of ancillary characters and just to enjoy the well-known and much-hoped-for snappy dialogue among the characters was a joy!

Parker (the author) has a knack for writing wry, snappy dialogue and, indeed, it is the dialogue and relative brief lengths of the books that make these into easily digestible nuggets of literature.  A lot of fun with good dialogue, characters and action.  Thoroughly enjoyable.

However, as I have pondered finishing this long cycle of books, I have realized a few things. 

 First, I am blessed to live in an age where I can simply call up books on my Nook and read them in whatever sequence I want to!  After all, I have probably read all the Alex Cross detective novels by James Patterson, but in a willy-nilly order because I picked them up when I found them, not in a systemized way.  It's fun to read the books in sequence.  I liked it!

Second, I pondered what makes a man tough.  While Spenser never shies away from a fight and almost always wins the fight, he is, at the same time, sentimental, fashion-conscious, a great cook and a tender romantic.  Maybe, indeed, it's his fully developed psyche that makes him a tough guy.  Maybe BECAUSE he's comfortable just being himself ... and that includes sentimentality, fashion consciousness, culinary prowess and romanticism ... that he is a tough guy.  And winning fist fights is a good bonus.  I think so.  I have often posited that a REAL man is Tough, Tender and True.  A REAL man is a man who can take it, no matter what happens.  A REAL man is tender with those who need tenderness.  A REAL man is true to those to whom he has made promises.  

Third, I have considered the meaning of long-term love and honest friendships.  Spenser and Susan tried living together and realized that it would not work.  They considered children and decided it was not a good thing with their lives (especially his).  They were considering marriage when Mr Parker passed away (no resolution there!).  But, except for a notable wandering off the farm experience for both of them, they were faithful to each other (even if Spenser got an offer in nearly every book!).  And, it was that relationship, the honesty, vulnerability and transparency that offers us a clear example of what a great marriage could be.  (I know, I know ... it's a novel and therefore easy to have a great relationship ... but, still ...)  

Also, Spenser's relationship with Hawk (as well as Vinnie, Tedy Sapp, Chollo, Bernard J Fortunato and even Bobby Horse) was quirky and deep.  All Spenser had to do is ask and these hardened, violent, criminally inclined men would drop what they were doing and help.  And Spenser would do the same.  I don't know how other folks define great friendships, but one of my barometers is that a great friend is someone who takes your calls and will help you (or you help them) at a moment's notice ... even if it costs them something.  Good friends do that for each other.

As we move through life, it seems to me that we need to cultivate the kind of loving relationships that allow us to be honest, vulnerable and transparent with each and other and be rewarded with a deeper and more complex and nuanced relationship.  It seems to me that we need to have friends upon whom we can count ... no matter what happens.  They know us well and like us in spite of it.  And they will go to the mat for us ... with us ... and we for and with them.  And most of all, we need to be so comfortable with ourselves that we can be tough, tender and true each and everyday.  We need to be that person as our default, not as our aspiration!

Thanks Spenser!  Thanks to you, Robert B Parker!  I've enjoyed the ride!

harbarger theory: persistence is a good thing

     harbarger theory: it really is all about family

I'm (well) old enough to remember the TV show "All In The Family," where Carroll O'Connor played a family patriarch, Archie Bunker, who was racist, misogynistic and all prejudices rolled into one. Jean Stapleton played Edith Bunker, his seemingly ditzy, but oh-so-wise wife, with Sally Struthers playing Gloria, their grown hippie daughter who was married to fellow hippie, Michael Stivek, played by Rob Reiner.  This was to be a send-up of the whole generational conflict going on in the USA during the Viet Nam War.  By the way, my paternal grandfather, Papa (pronounced Pawpaw, for those keeping score at home), thought Archie was getting it about right and didn't catch on that this was deep sarcasm by a bunch of what he would have called "pinko lefties!"

In the midst of all the shenanigans that went on, one of the lessons that was clear was that the Bunker/Stivek families really, really did love each other and, in the end, it was "All About Family."

I, of course, as a father and husband have made more than my share of mistakes (haven't we all ... well, maybe not Wendy!), but I stand (sit?) here today inordinately proud of my family.  Wendy and I have had 35 happily married years.  Nate has had his share of self-imposed struggles, but is weathering them well and is on a great path in life.  Molly has pushed through some storms, both with personal relationships as well as work-related ones, and is having a great life right now.  What a joy!

In the end, I wanted to raise strong, tough, tender, caring, independent, hard-working and fun-loving kids.  It worked.  they are all of the above!  Maybe Wendy and I had a hand in it (undoubtedly mostly Wendy).  Maybe they did a lot of it themselves.  But, in the end, they are amazing and when we get together, we just have the time of our lives!!

In a few days, we all get to be together and it will be fun, with games and food or laughter and teasing and sightseeing and all.  But, most of all, it will be about us hanging out together enjoying looking into each other's eyes, hearing each other's ideas and opinions and laughing.  There will be much laughing!!

We would clearly do anything for each other.  We love each other fiercely.  We ache to be together more, but miles are in the way.  But ... for a time that will be way too short ... we will be together and that will be good.

I am so sad when I hear of families that really don't like to be together.  But, it does serve to remind me of how truly blessed I am.  We love to be together and when we are, it's like heaven on earth.

I love the woman who married me all those years ago, when I was half the man I am today!  I love my kids with all my heart.  I love my family and I am blessed beyond measure!

harbarger theory: it really is all about family

CS Lewis Likes Final Battles!

harbarger theory:earthy spirituality is heavenly

I finally have gotten back to good ol' Jack (as his family called him). Not sure how they got Jack as a nickname for Clive Staples Lewis, but ...

I finished the Space Trilogy with That Hideous Strength where the nefarious N.I.C.E Institute was working in concert with the "Macrobes" or the Eldil that is in control of Tellus (earth) comes in conflict with the powers of right that is headquartered in a home in St Anne's led by our old friend Ransom.

But, so as to not offer any more of a spoiler, I'll simply deal with a small part of the final battle at the end of the book.

To empower the forces of good, the Eldils who have never visited the quarantined planet, Tellus, come to visit and lend firepower. When Perelandra (Venus) comes, all who are in the vicinity of her coming, find themselves a bit amorous. This is without a hint of apology. How refreshing!!! The human couples are married folk and they get a bit frisky and seem to like it. I like that!!! It's about time!!!

Also, the Eldil Malacandra (Mars) comes down and inspires humans and animals to lay a whuppin' on the bad guys ... again without apology. Sometimes (even for a pacifist like me) bad guys need a whuppin'! It happened. Must have been frightening though for those receiving the whuppin' to have it laid down by tigers and wolves and such. YIKES!!!

I've always been a person who believes that real spirituality includes human emotions and tendencies. Within the right relationships, amorousness is a GREAT thing. It can and should happen ... as often as possible. And, sometimes bad guys need to be stopped. These are just human reactions.

I think our tendency as folks of faith is to promote a spirituality that is nice, but a little forced and maybe sterile. I don't find that to be a faith that is attractive. I think a proper faith is about enjoyment (and that includes physical enjoyment), laughter and also resistance to that which is wrong (and that may include physical resistance).

In the end, let's worry a bit less about those things that bring us physical enjoyment (within bounds, of course) and more about making our hearts right with God. After all, we belong to a faith that starts with getting the heart right and having the heart lead our behavior. If ... for me... swearing is something that gets between me and God, then I need to stop it. If ... for you smoking or drinking gets between you and God, then you need to stop it. But, we find that out by submitting our hearts to the leadership and sovereignty of God.

Of course, this is not a license for licentiousness (how about that for alliteration??). You know better than that. But, it is a call for us to lighten up a bit and let God deal with our hearts and to support each other in the process.

CS Lewis celebrated physical resistance to evil and the physical celebration of love. I think we should too!! So, go get all snugly with your spouse. Go ahead, the blog will be here when you get back. Just go. GO!!!!

And, stand up for what is right ... even if it puts you in harm's way or forces you to come into opposition with the powers that be. Fight injustice. Speak truth to power. Denounce evil. Look it in the eye and tell it to leave and never come back. Do it as often as you need to and if you need someone to watch your back, call me. I'll back you up!

In the end, be comfortable with the body God gave you and use it for the glory of God. Love your loved one. Fight evil. Laugh deeply. Cry from your heart. Feel with your heart. These are God's gifts to you. Enjoy them!

harbarger theory:earthy spirituality is heavenly

Free Will-y or Workin' The Plan, Man?

harbarger theory: God DOES have a plan for your life, but it's up to you to follow it!

Wendy and I wanted to go to a movie tonight. We ended up choosing The Adjustment Bureau at 6:50pm at Movies 10 near Nelsonville. Was it REALLY our choice or was it part of "The Plan?" In this movie, "Fate" or "The Plan" are written by "The Chairman" (a euphemism for God).

Like usual, I don't want to offer a spoiler, so let me share less about what happens in the movie and discuss more about what the movie is all about.

The Adjustment Bureau talks a LOT about the issues of Free Will and Predestination. These two schools of thought are described in Christian theology as Arminianism and Calvinism. The Calvinist or Reformed idea is that because God is omniscient (sees all), that OF COURSE, God would determine what would happen in every bit of our lives. So, when we hear, "God has a wonderful plan for your life," some mean that explicitly. They mean that God has already determined whether you will come to faith or not, marry this person or not, succeed in life or not. Proponents of this school of thought talk about this in terms of God's sovereignty. The idea is that IF God really is sovereign, then God must control the destinies of humanity.

I'm afraid that I have never, ever been comfortable with this line of thinking. To my way of thinking, God has a plan for each of us, but it is completely up to us to follow it every step of the way ... or not. We have the ability to thwart the will of God for our lives. I know, I know ... What is God thinking?? God has placed complete choice in OUR hands? What a CRAZY idea!!! We're not equipped for that!

You don't believe me? Really? Then explain things like war, despots, serial killers, child abuse or weak and tepid coffee. Nope, we're not equipped ... or are we?

Maybe we have the capability to do amazing things, as well. You don't believe me? Really? Then explain things like millions of dollars given to help people affected by the Japan earthquake within hours of the huge rumble, people who take their own vacations to build trails in state and national parks, build homes for the poor, give of their hard-earned money to give care to people they don't even know. What is God thinking? That we have the capacity to do amazingly loving and caring things. God HAS placed complete choice in our hands. What an crazy fabulous idea! We are divinely equipped for this!

You see, this is EXACTLY what the issue is. God's will for us is to love God and to love each other. But, you see, love requires that we have be able to choose. Forced or required love is no love at all. But, when we rise to what we were created to be, we live lives of love. We love God and therefore we love our neighbors (both next door and across the globe!).

Of course, we can also choose to be selfish or hateful or simply petty. We ARE capable of incredible horrors. That is our choice.

To choose the best, we have to have the worst as a choice, as well. That's the risk that God takes. But, isn't that the risk that ll of us take when we choose to love? We take the risk that they might hurt us. Love IS a risk.

Gentle reader, God trusts you to choose love, grace and mercy. Choose it and the world will be a better place. Deny it and the world will be a darker and more dangerous place.

It's all up to you. You are free to do as you wish. Your will is, indeed, free. Our calling, though is to make Joshua's choice and say this to those around you ...

"But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and myhousehold, we will serve the LORD."

Choose love. Choose love.

harbarger theory: God DOES have a plan for your life, but it's up to you to follow it!

26 years and a day

harbarger theory: sons are a gift of grace

Twenty six years ago yesterday, I called my dear friend, Schuyler, and told him, "I now know what miracles are!" Our son ... our first-born child ... had been born and immediately wrapped me around his teeny-tiny wittle finger. I was instantaneously smitten and still am.

I grew up in a sports-loving family. My brothers loved to play and watch sports and still do. My dad was a star athlete and played and watched sports until his death. My mom has always been an avid sports fan and has done more than anyone's share of bleacher sitting over the years as she NEVER missed one of our games. But, not me. I played sports in elementary school because, that's what Harbargers did. I played football until the beginning of my Junior year in High School and I realized that, actually, I was terrible and would NEVER start. Unlike my family, I didn't and don't watch sports on TV. While I was still in my teens, my mom said, "I hope you have a kid who loves sports!"

So ... Nate enters the picture. I think his first word was "BALL!" Certainly in elementary school and maybe before he was old enough for school, he figured out how to tune in SportsCenter and would eat his breakfast watching it. No cartoons for this boy. He was, and is, fascinated (dare I say obsessed?) with sports.

I watched more sports in his first six years of life than I had ever watched in my lifetime up to that point. Cumulatively. We would sit and watch games. Sometimes, I'd have a book and he'd watch. But, we'd do it together. My favorite team has ALWAYS been whatever team my kids were on. I wore the colors. I watched every single game I could that they played in. I watched soccer, basketball, baseball, football, summer basketball, whatever. I learned to keep stats for baseball and basketball. I took him to pro games. I took him to college games. We watched lots of sports.

And it was worth it. It was worth it because I was with him doing what he wanted. I was participating in the things he loved. I've never regretted any of it. Not even the baseball games where I froze or the football games where I sat in the driving rain. Not one of them. I loved being a part of his life and sports were (and are) his life.

Today, he is the player/manager for a men's baseball team (Sacramento Braves ... and yes, I have a Braves hat!) and is an Assistant Coach for the Varsity Baseball team for Rio Americano High School (yes, I have a Rio Sweatshirt). It's still wall-to-wall sports for the boy.

I'm proud of him. He works hard and does well and does good at his work. He plays hard with his beloved Braves. He takes good care of his boys on his Rio team and teaches them baseball and life. He's a good friend to his buddies. He's a good boss. He's a good son. He's a good grandson. He is the man I hoped he would be.

Happy belated birthday, Nate. I love you.

(by the way, this is a pic of Nate and me whitewater rafting on the famous New River. Woo Hoo! Paddles UP!!)

harbarger theory: sons are a gift of grace

harbarger theory: better to have it and not need it

harbarger theory: it's always better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

I have to admit that my long history in the Boy Scouts drilled this into me, but I still live by this rule. Whether it's packing for a trip (I always bring my leatherman and a flashlight) or for an outdoor concert or whatever, I tend to prepare for the unexpected.

I recently had a great time at coffee with an old friend and former Superintendent and I wondered what he wanted to talk about. It turns out he just wanted to pick my meager brain (not much there anymore, I'm afraid!), but I ran through so many scenarios before we met. I wanted to be prepared.

But, isn't that a life lesson? If we are prepared for the unexpected ... then, don't they become the sorta expected? Aren't we then even MORE primed to deal with what we don't expect? I think so. We plan, we think ahead and then we dance to whatever music is playing. The more dance moves we have, the better we dance. (Not that I can dance, but I can sling a metaphor!)

Noah built the Ark in the desert. He planned ahead. He did what needed done to get the job done even when it looked silly. It doesn't have to be raining when you start preparing for the flood. That's what I say!!

We don't know what the future holds. The economy is still getting worse. Loved ones still get sick. War rages on and on. But, we can prepare ourselves to deal with it though loving God and loving our neighbors with all we have. Maybe loving is all we really can hang onto in the end, eh?

Anyway, I try to plan for rain and hope for sunshine.

harbarger theory: it's always better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.