harbarger theory: Persistence is a good thing

A while back, our son Nate and I started reading the Spenser series of books by Robert B Parker.  Spenser (no first name ever divulged!) is a wise-cracking, well-read, tough guy Private Detective from Boston whose longtime "main squeeze" is Susan, a Cambridge-based Psychologist and best friend is a guy who does pretty sketchy and violent things named "Hawk" and whose dog (who he shares custody with Susan) is a German Short-Hair Pointer named "Pearl" (both of them).  The pic above is a vintage shot from the TV show "Spenser For Hire" with Robert Ulrich as Spenser and Avery Brooks as Hawk.  Good casting!!

I'm not sure when and if Nate quit reading the series, but I read the whole cycle from first book to last book (38 in all, plus a Christmas book published posthumously).  I persisted!  It was fun reading a series from germination to termination.  To watch the progression of the characters, the addition, subtraction and recalling of ancillary characters and just to enjoy the well-known and much-hoped-for snappy dialogue among the characters was a joy!

Parker (the author) has a knack for writing wry, snappy dialogue and, indeed, it is the dialogue and relative brief lengths of the books that make these into easily digestible nuggets of literature.  A lot of fun with good dialogue, characters and action.  Thoroughly enjoyable.

However, as I have pondered finishing this long cycle of books, I have realized a few things. 

 First, I am blessed to live in an age where I can simply call up books on my Nook and read them in whatever sequence I want to!  After all, I have probably read all the Alex Cross detective novels by James Patterson, but in a willy-nilly order because I picked them up when I found them, not in a systemized way.  It's fun to read the books in sequence.  I liked it!

Second, I pondered what makes a man tough.  While Spenser never shies away from a fight and almost always wins the fight, he is, at the same time, sentimental, fashion-conscious, a great cook and a tender romantic.  Maybe, indeed, it's his fully developed psyche that makes him a tough guy.  Maybe BECAUSE he's comfortable just being himself ... and that includes sentimentality, fashion consciousness, culinary prowess and romanticism ... that he is a tough guy.  And winning fist fights is a good bonus.  I think so.  I have often posited that a REAL man is Tough, Tender and True.  A REAL man is a man who can take it, no matter what happens.  A REAL man is tender with those who need tenderness.  A REAL man is true to those to whom he has made promises.  

Third, I have considered the meaning of long-term love and honest friendships.  Spenser and Susan tried living together and realized that it would not work.  They considered children and decided it was not a good thing with their lives (especially his).  They were considering marriage when Mr Parker passed away (no resolution there!).  But, except for a notable wandering off the farm experience for both of them, they were faithful to each other (even if Spenser got an offer in nearly every book!).  And, it was that relationship, the honesty, vulnerability and transparency that offers us a clear example of what a great marriage could be.  (I know, I know ... it's a novel and therefore easy to have a great relationship ... but, still ...)  

Also, Spenser's relationship with Hawk (as well as Vinnie, Tedy Sapp, Chollo, Bernard J Fortunato and even Bobby Horse) was quirky and deep.  All Spenser had to do is ask and these hardened, violent, criminally inclined men would drop what they were doing and help.  And Spenser would do the same.  I don't know how other folks define great friendships, but one of my barometers is that a great friend is someone who takes your calls and will help you (or you help them) at a moment's notice ... even if it costs them something.  Good friends do that for each other.

As we move through life, it seems to me that we need to cultivate the kind of loving relationships that allow us to be honest, vulnerable and transparent with each and other and be rewarded with a deeper and more complex and nuanced relationship.  It seems to me that we need to have friends upon whom we can count ... no matter what happens.  They know us well and like us in spite of it.  And they will go to the mat for us ... with us ... and we for and with them.  And most of all, we need to be so comfortable with ourselves that we can be tough, tender and true each and everyday.  We need to be that person as our default, not as our aspiration!

Thanks Spenser!  Thanks to you, Robert B Parker!  I've enjoyed the ride!

harbarger theory: persistence is a good thing

The T's

harbarger theory: REAL men are tough, tender and true!

Much has been said and written about what it means to be a real man. Some have suggested that REAL men are the sensitive, cry-at-anything kind of a guy. Others suggest that a REAL man is like cheap toilet paper. You know, he's rough, he's tough and doesn't take crap off anybody! Still others suggest that a REAL man is the kind of guy you can depend upon for anything.

I suggest (not so humbly, I might add) that a REAL man is Tough, Tender and True!

A real man is TOUGH, meaning that he is tough enough to take the slings and arrows for the people he loves. He's tough enough to do what needs to be done and tough enough to do without. A REAL man is the guy who willingly and cheerfully sets his stuff aside so the people he loves can have what they need and want. He's tough enough to be selfless.

A real man is TENDER, meaning that he opens himself up to the feelings and needs of those around him. He listens when they need him. He holds them when they need comforting. He steps into their pain when they are hurting and feeling all alone. A REAL man is the guy who is brave enough to feel the pain of those around him and enter into it. A REAL man doesn't have to be violent or pain-inflicting. He is secure enough to be tender and loving in a dark and violent world.

A real man is TRUE, meaning that he stands with his folks. He is faithful. He fulfills his obligations. He's honest. He's the go-to guy for the people in his life. The people in his life can depend upon him to be there for them ... no matter what. A REAL man is the guy that people call when their life is caving in because they know that he'll be there for them.

A real man is not always the most "successful," because his priorities are not on himself and what society tells him is important. But a real man is the guy that others come to when times get tough. A real man is the guy that women turn to, children adore and that men come to when they are having a hard time. He may not be the most "tool-handy," the most affluent, the coolest or they guy wet dreams are made of. But, he's the guy that is the friend people come to in a pinch, the one women really want to be in a relationship with, the one children want to have as their daddy.

A real man is tough enough to be tender ... tender enough to be true ... true enough to be tough.

harbarger theory: REAL men are tough, tender and true

coffee friends

harbarger theory: friends are like good coffee ... strong, comforting and enery-giving

I was recently blessed to spend most of a week with one of my oldest and best friends, Schuyler. We talked ... we laughed ... we dreamed about the future ... we challenged each other ... we even got into an argument (although we were saying the same thing, as it turned out). It was good ... very, very good.



I have many buddies and even more acquaintances, but relatively few friends. I think it's because I expect emotional transparency and an intimacy that I just can't sustain with a whole bunch of folks. But ... I hold my good friends very dearly and would move heaven and earth for them. It's more than loyal. These people hold my life in their hearts and I hold theirs.



That life-holding requires a lot of strength, because we don't always agree (nor do we need to!!). It requires a lot of strength, because we do this over a long time (and for Schuyler and me, over a long distance). It requires a lot of strength, because sissies aren't transparent with each other. Transparency is only for the strong!



Friendship also is comforting because these are people who know me ... really, really know me ... and still love me. Wow. That's amazing!! And comforting. I know that, although they may be disappointed or even confused with me, they will ALWAYS have my back. That's real comfort right there. Real comfort.



Friendship is also energy-giving. Maybe BECAUSE I know that they have my back, that by being with them, I get energy. Together, we are more than a sum of our parts. Together, we can (and have) taken on the world and win. Energy is what we all feed from. It is the power-plant of the cosmos. Friendship ... real friendship ... gives us energy.

harbarger theory: friends are like good coffee

harbarger theory: nobody but babies like to be changed ... and even babies usually cry the whole dang time!

I'm currently at a national conference for preacher-types and have heard some amazing people share from their heart ... Brian McLaren, Rob Bell, Bill Hybels, among others. I am blessed to be attending this and rooming with one of my best and longest tenured friends, Schuyler. It's a wonderful thing. Schuyler and I went to seminary together and have stayed close ever since.

What's wonderful is the sharing of a wonderful time like this with powerful messages, inspiring speakers and a whole raft of great resources with a deep friend from whom very little if anything is hidden. We can agree. We can disagree. We can even argue. But, in the end, we love each other like what brothers ought to be. Thanks be to God.

But, I find myself challenged and, if I rise to the challenges, changed. And, although the change (to follow the above metaphor) will rid me of the poopy and messiness of my past. Somehow, I am loathe to do this. Maybe it's the devil I know instead of the devil I don't. Not sure. But I loathe change.

But, as Bill Bryson made so very clear in his wonderful book "A Short History Of Just About Everything", we, who are organic, either change ... or die. So, change is a part of life, isn't it? I need to change and be a better pastor ... a better leader ... a better husband ... a better father ... a better son ... a better Christian ... a better man.

So, begins my next step into change. Man, what is that stink, anyway? Oh yea, it's the stuff that needs to be gotten rid of in the change!! But, I'll still cry all the way through it, I suspect. What a big baby!!!

harbarger theory: nobody but babies like to be changed ... and even babies usually cry the whole dang time!

Messy Food

harbarger theory: messy food is great food. the messier the food, the better it is. never trust food that is too tidy.

Really good food is messy. Great burritos drip down your arm. Great peaches get all over your face. Great honeybell oranges have to be eaten while leaning over the sink so it doesn't get on your shirt. Great ice cream sundaes spill over the sundae dish and onto the saucer under it (or onto the table if it's not!).

Life is like that. Messy. Relationships are not tidy. Wonderful things happen. Mistakes happen. But, if we stick with it, then the relationships get stronger and deeper. Faith is messy. Our lifestyle gets in the way of our inner growth. But, if we keep trying to make our inner life and our outer behavior consistent, then our faith gets deeper and more life-giving. Work is messy. Some days are really great and we succeed. Some days are like running through quicksand ... slow going and dragging us down. But, if we are doing good things for good reasons, then the messiness becomes all worth it.

Life & faith, like great food, is messy. Sometimes it spills over the edge of the bowl. Sometimes it drips down your arm or gets it on your shirt. But, that's what makes it great!

harbarger theory: messy food is great food.

the best conversation

harbarger theory - The best conversation ALWAYS occurs over table of dirty dishes. Think back to one of those great meals where the food is pretty good and the conversation is fun and loud and thoughtful and filled with laughter. Then ... someone has the bright idea to move the group to the living room "where we'd all be more comfortable" and suddenly the conversation seems to dry up. We're always more comfortable just sitting at that table picking at the carcasses of the nearly empty plates, playing with our coffee cups and laughing and talking and arguing over the causes of the world or whether Brad and Angelina are gonna have more kids.

harbarger theory - The best conversation ALWAYS occurs over table of dirty dishes.

hanging out with friends

Sometimes I forget that I have great friends. Just yesterday, I made an early morning call on somebody facing horrible surgery and I had contacted a buddy of mine to see if he had time to have breakfast together. He did. We did.

It is so good to have breakfast with a friend who loves God, loves me, loves coffee and can talk and laugh and have a great time!! Woo hooo!!!!!

I am a blessed guy. I have good friends who would do anything for me and I know they would. It doesn't get better than that.

Note to self: don't ever take them for granted!!!!

Being a friend

A good friend of mine called yesterday and asked if we could get together and talk. He didn't call me because I'm his pastor (but we probably do that for each other). He didn't call me because I'm so daggone smart and good-looking. We all know THAT'S not true!! He called me because I'm his friend and he knew I'd listen.

What an honor.

No, really. What an incredible honor!

We all need to do this more often. Too often, we don't allow our friends in to our struggles. Too often, we try to do life on our own. Too often, we don't REALLY believe in community, in the Body of Christ, in the value of friendship.

He did. I am honored. I am humbled.

We all need to do this more often! We would be happier ... healthier ... more balanced ... wiser ... and closer to God. The Body of Christ would be stronger. Community would ACTUALLY exist. The Kingdom of God would be more fully realized.

Call each other. Have coffee. Eat lunch together. Talk. Listen. Solve problems if it's needed and wanted. But, most imporantly, be there for each other. There is nothing more important. Nothing. This is where we find the Kingdom of God. Right here.

Thanks, my friend. I am blessed!