Sometimes strong men cry

harbarger theory: you can never replace the ones you love. you just miss them.

We lost Pop last October. It was a dark day for all of us. He was one of the lights of our lives. Many of us have been limping along ever since.

But, we who loved Wayne Harbarger are not the only ones who grieve. Thousands grieve every day and they didn't get 86 years with their loved one. Some only get days, hours or a few short years.

But, we all hurt.

There are constants in the human condition. One of those is pain. We all have pain. Some of it is self-inflicted; some of it is inflicted by others intentionally; some of it is inflicted by others unintentionally; some is random; some is a part of life.

Missing Pop is a part of life. He lived a great life. A great life. He loved. He was loved. He did great things. He raised a family and loved a good woman. He was afflicted with cancer and it killed him.

But, I still miss him. When I eat ice cream, I miss him. When I take a walk on a nice day, I miss him. When I tell people, "Good on you!" I miss him. He'll never see me succeed again. He'll never go golfing with me again (Oh, how he loved to golf). We'll never try a new restaurant again. There are a whole host of things I'll never do with him again. That brings me pain.

But, I'm a lucky one. I was able to do those things with him. I was able to take him to doctor's visits and hospitals. I laughed with him. I talked theology with him. We shared books. I got to be his son. I'm the lucky one.

Love always takes the risk of pain. Necessarily. If there is no risk of pain, there is no real love.

It was worth it. It was worth it all.

I love you, Pop.

harbarger theory: you can never replace the ones you love. you just miss them.

It's a small world after all!!!

harbarger theory: it's a small world, but i wouldn't want to paint it!

Like many of you, I woke up this morning to hear about the devastating earthquake in Japan, which unleashed a tsunami that tried to devour that island nation and Sumatra and sent it hurtling across the globe through Hawaii to the West Coast of the USA. I was transfixed by it and have been listening to radio reports all day. Amazing.

At first, I listened and then was relieved that Sacramento (where my "beloved son in whom I am well pleased" lives along with my brothers and their families) was not going to be threatened. WHEW!!!!

But, then I sat up in horror!! I knew people all along that tsunami's path!!

My first appointment as an ordained pastor was at First UMC in Middletown, OH. Among a few other duties, I was the Youth Guy. And, as is my wont, I became very close to those kids. One family hosted a Japanese exchange student and, as time went on, Paul ended up marrying her. Paul was one of my very, very faithful kids in the group and, indeed went on to seminary and ended up as a sorta kinda missionary in Japan. He and Mari and their boys are living and serving in Tokyo currently. But he used to serve in Sendai. The epicenter of the earthquake. My heart was in my throat.

After a number of years, I moved to First UMC in Athens, OH where, among some other duties, I was the Youth Guy and the Campus Minister. One of the college students at the Wesley Student Center was Shannon. Shannon was raised in Hawaii and after she got married, she and her hubby moved back to Hawaii in Aiea. Now, my hawaiian geography is lousy and I don't know if Aiea is on the side of the island that the tsunami was going to hit, but, even if it's not, there has to be fallout where she lives. Again, my heart was in my throat.

Before I came back to Ohio, I had become best friends (dare I say brother?) with Schuyler while we were both in seminary at Drew Univ Theological School. After a time of serving in NYC, he relocated to the Left Coast and now serves Temple UMC in San Francisco. SF is one of the few places in Cali that does NOT have cliffs for a coastline.

I've been on pins and needles all day. I noticed Schuyler was on Facebook, so I called him from my cell to his. He's OK. They're OK. WHEW!!!!

I got a Facebook post from one of the folks I did youth ministry with back in Middletown that Paul, Mari and the family are OK in Japan. WHEW!!!!

I just got a Facebook post from Shannon that she and her family are OK in Hawaii. WHEW!!!!

This morning, I am glad that I got to pray fervently for these people who are a part of me and are part of my family. I am glad they are OK. And I thank God for Facebook, cell phones and modern communication technology because it allowed me the grace to hear of and from these beloved people so easily and quickly.

Technology is not ALWAYS of the devil!! = ) Sometimes, it is a gift from God!!!

I further reflected that I am a blessed man because I know and love people who live all over the globe. Although times like these can fray one's nerves, it's because of the shared love and history that makes the moments frantic. This world is so vast and varied, yet sometimes it seems like a small marble floating in the universe and we are just one big village. To think that one tsunami could threaten 3 families that I know and love amazes me. I thank God for far-flung relationships! I thank God they are safe!! And I thank God knowing that, because these people are where they are and they are WHO they are, they will help other people who have been affected by this terrible event.

But, mostly, I just thank God!!

harbarger theory: it's a small world, but i wouldn't want to paint it!

Th-Th-Th-That's All Folks!

harbarger theory: stuttering stinks, I don't care if you are a king.

What do Porky Pig, Max Headroom, Michael Palin, Mel Tillis, King George VI and Joel Harbarger have in common? We all have ears. Oh yeah! And we all stutter.

I'm a stutterer. Like all these famous folks, I'm a stutterer. I can't remember NOT being a stutterer. So is my oldest brother. Maybe I should blame it all on him!!!

I hesitated for a long time about going to see "The King's Speech." Actually, BECAUSE I'm a stutterer, I didn't want to watch another stutterer struggle through his stuttering in public and vicariously share in his humiliation. I like Colin Firth and Helena Bonham Carter and I REALLY like Geoffrey Rush, but I find it painful to watch another person stutter. Really, really painful.

But, everybody (except Sue) told me that it was wonderful, so I felt like I had to go. We did. It was wonderful. And it was painful. But, it's a great way for stutterers to share with other people how it feels to stutter. The shame, the anxiety, the stares and the averted glances, the cajoling "Just spit it out!" We experience all of it. It's not fun.

Colin Firth did a great job in playing the part. He evidenced the inner anxiety and the physical tension in simply trying to get the words out. Actually, the way Firth played King George VI, I stutter the same way. Some call it stammering, but we get blocked and just can't get the @#$%^& words out. My brother sort of bounces the sounds (like Porky Pig or Max Headroom), but I get stuck and can't get it out.

I thought the movie was excellent and I hope it wins Best Picture and Colin Firth gets Best Actor. But, more than that, I hope that more people learn a bit about us stutterers and learn that we are not stupid because we cannot speak fluently; that we are not "damaged goods" because we get stuck on some word; that we are not "handicapped" because our fluency is compromised.

As a Pastor, I have an obvious flaw. I am an imperfect vessel. But, aren't we all? Every single one of us have our problems. Mine just shows a bit more than other people's do. When I was a Youth Pastor (for 17 years!), I had more than one teenager tell me that my stuttering made me seem more real, more approachable. I appreciated that. I wonder what I would be like if I didn't stutter?

But, I'd give up my stuttering in a minute if I could. It would be gone, gone, gone. But, this is not my lot. Like the Apostle Paul who prayed for his "thorn in the flesh" to be removed, but God chose not to grant that prayer, I have learned that this is a part of me.

So, I embrace it. I stutter. I shuffle words around to ones I can say. I carefully choose my words. Although attracted to it, I chose not to even TRY to be a disc jockey ... or an auctioneer ... or a band announcer. But, I do choose to honor my calling to preach most every week, to speak in public when it's appropriate, to counsel, to chat, to be with people. Athough it IS embarassing at the moment when I stutter, I'm not ashamed of being a stutter any more than I am ashamed of being 6 feet tall. It's who I am.

So, go see The King's Speech. Watch the painful process that King George VI went through to fulfill his calling, his destiny. Then, appreciate the giftedness of those around you who stumble through their speech and who still stand up and do what needs done.

But ... stuttering still stinks.

harbarger theory: stuttering stinks, I don't care if you are a king.